Minutes of the Mudford Magistracy

• Chapter 1 The Case of the Purloined Marrow
• Chapter 2 Reg. v. Higgins (Unlawful Whistling on the Sabbath)
• Chapter 3 Deposition Regarding a Disreputable Goose
• Chapter 4 Warrant for the Arrest of a Wandering Velocipede
• Chapter 5 The Inquest into Mayor Crump’s Top Hat
• Chapter 6 Summons for Excessive Noise at the Temperance Hall
• Chapter 7 The Affray over Mrs. Gable’s Prize Hen
• Chapter 8 Indictment of a Rogue Chimney Sweep
• Chapter 9 Testimony Concerning the Mudford Turnip Blight
• Chapter 10 The Dispute over the Vicarage Duck Pond
• Chapter 11 Exhibit A: A Highly Suspicious Mutton Pie
• Chapter 12 Application for the Suppression of a Travelling Circus
• Chapter 13 The Trial of the Tiddlywinks Syndicate
• Chapter 14 Affidavits Concerning the Mayor’s Missing Spectacles
• Chapter 15 The Scandal of the Improperly Painted Mailbox
• Chapter 16 Minutes of the Extraordinary Session on Public Decency
• Chapter 17 Reg. v. Pringle (Malicious Misplacement of a Scarecrow)
• Chapter 18 Petition for the Removal of a Belligerent Goat
• Chapter 19 The Case of the Counterfeit Sovereign
• Chapter 20 Subpoena Served upon the Parish Beadle
• Chapter 21 The Contemptuous Conduct of Constable Gudgeon
• Chapter 22 Examination of the Unlicensed Accordionist
• Chapter 23 The Great Mudford Library Books Dispute
• Chapter 24 Deposition on the Matter of the Salacious Pamphlet
• Chapter 25 Closing Statements Regarding the Town Clock Chiming
• Chapter 26 The Final Verdict on the Mudford Bench

PETTY SESSIONS OF THE PEACE

Held at the Court House, Mudford, in and for the Petty Sessional Division of Mudford-in-the-Fen, County of Somersetshire, on Tuesday, the 4th day of October, 1892.

Before the Worshipful Major Sir Reginald Fotheringay, Bart., J.P. (Presiding Magistrate), and Septimus Crump, Esq., J.P.

I. INFORMATION AND COMPLAINT

The Information of Ebenezer Pinch, of No. 3 High Street, Mudford, Retired Tallow-Chandler and Amateur Horticulturist, taken upon oath this 1st day of October, in the year of Our Lord One Thousand Eight Hundred and Ninety-Two, before the undersigned, one of Her Majesty’s Justices of the Peace in and for the said County.

The said Informant saith upon his oath as follows:

"I am a resident of the parish of Mudford, where I have devoted my retirement to the cultivation of vegetable produce of exceptional magnitude, with particular reference to the Cucurbitaceae family. For the past four months, I have tendered, watered, and meticulously manicured a specimen of vegetable marrow (Cucurbita pepo) of the 'Imperial Green Trailing' variety. The said marrow was destined for the Michaelmas Produce Competition at the Mudford Horticultural Society’s Annual Show, scheduled for the 5th of October.

"On the evening of Thursday, the 29th day of September, at approximately seven o'clock, I inspected the said marrow in my walled garden. It was resting comfortably upon a bed of dry straw, measuring twenty-four inches in length, eighteen inches in girth, and weighing, by my private scales, an estimated twenty-seven pounds and four ounces. It possessed a flawless, unblemished rind of rich emerald hue and was, by all competent authority, guaranteed to secure the First Prize Silver Cup, valued at two sovereigns.

"Upon returning to my garden at six o'clock on the morning of Friday, the 30th day of September, I discovered to my utter horror and consternation that the said marrow had been severed from its vine by means of a sharp instrument, leaving only a bleeding stem and a tragic indentation in the straw. The garden gate, which I had secured with a latch, stood slightly ajar.

"From footprint evidence upon the damp earth, measuring ten inches in length with a distinctively worn right heel, together with an unmistakable smell of cheap shag tobacco lingering in the damp morning air, I formed an immediate suspicion against Arthur Pendelton, of No. 7 Weaver’s Lane, handloom weaver and known idler, who had previously been heard to remark in the Taproom of the Black Dog Tavern that 'old Pinch’s marrow were a sight too large for any honest man’s pot.'

"Wherefore the said Ebenezer Pinch prayeth that a Warrant or Summons may issue against the said Arthur Pendelton, that he may be answered for his felony, and dealt with according to Law."

Signed, Ebenezer Pinch
Taken and sworn before me at Mudford,
Reginald Fotheringay, J.P.

II. DEPOSITION OF CONSTABLE SILAS GUDGEON (No. 42B)

The Deposition of Silas Gudgeon, Police Constable of the Mudford Parish Constabulary, taken upon oath the 4th day of October, 1892, who saith:

"In consequence of information received from the complainant, Mr. Ebenezer Pinch, on the morning of Friday, the 30th of September, I proceeded at nine o'clock in the forenoon to the premises occupied by the defendant, Arthur Pendelton, situated at No. 7 Weaver’s Lane, Mudford.

"Upon approaching the rear of the property, I observed a thick, white smoke of an uncommonly savory aroma issuing from the scullery chimney. I knocked loudly upon the front door with my truncheon. After a delay of three minutes and forty seconds, during which time I heard rapid footsteps and the shuffling of heavy ironware inside, the door was opened by the defendant. He appeared in a state of considerable perspiration, with his shirt-sleeves rolled up and his boots covered in fresh red clay of the exact consistency found in Mr. Pinch’s garden plot.

"I said to him, 'Pendelton, I am making inquiries respecting a prize marrow missing from Mr. Pinch’s premises.' The defendant replied, 'I know nothing of any marrows, Constable, save for them as grow naturally in the fields of Grace.' I then said, 'I must request permission to inspect your scullery, as I perceive an odor indicative of boiling vegetation.' The defendant replied, 'That is merely my sister’s herbal poultice for the gravel.'

"I entered the scullery despite the defendant’s attempts to obstruct my passage by placing his person in the doorway. Upon examining a large iron copper vessel suspended over the fire, I observed the water to be at a rolling boil. Using my official notebook pencil as a probe, I brought to the surface several large, soft, pale-green fragments of boiled vegetable matter, together with numerous flat white seeds of the genus Cucurbita.

"Upon further search of the scullery, I discovered concealed beneath an old horse-blanket in the corner a large butcher’s knife, freshly washed but retaining upon its edge small particles of green rind. Furthermore, under the copper boiler, I found a large, solid object wrapped in a sack. Upon unwrapping the sack, I uncovered the remaining lower section of an immense vegetable marrow, measuring fourteen inches in diameter, from which the upper portions had evidently been hastily carved and committed to the pot.

"I cautioned the defendant in the standard manner. He then stated, 'I found it lying in the ditch by the pump-handle. A man has a right to pick up what the Almighty drops in his path.' I then took the defendant into custody and secured the unboiled portion of the marrow (marked Exhibit A) and the pot-liquor (marked Exhibit B) as evidence."

Cross-examined by the Defendant:
"I did not see you take the marrow. I cannot swear upon oath that the clay on your boots did not come from the ditch near the pump. However, the pump-ditch does not produce straw of the quality found stuck to the stem of Exhibit A."

III. DEPOSITION OF MRS. MARTHA GABLE

The Deposition of Martha Gable, Wife of Thomas Gable, Blacksmith, residing at No. 5 High Street, Mudford, who upon her oath saith:

"I am the next-door neighbor of Mr. Ebenezer Pinch. My bedroom window commands a full and unobstructed view of Mr. Pinch’s vegetable patch. On the night of Thursday, the 29th of September, I was unable to sleep owing to a sharp attack of the quinsy.

"At approximately half-past eleven o'clock, the moon being exceptionally bright, I observed a figure lurking by Mr. Pinch’s wall. The figure was wearing a battered bowler hat with a notched brim and was carrying a large sack under his arm. I saw the figure climb over the low stone wall with considerable difficulty, owing to his bandy legs. He approached Mr. Pinch’s prize marrow frame on all fours, remaining in a stooped position for several minutes. I heard a distinct crunching sound, such as would be made by the severing of a thick, fibrous stalk with a dull blade.

"The figure then raised the object into the sack with a heavy groan, indicative of great physical exertion, and hoisted it onto his shoulder. As he turned to depart, the moonlight fell full upon his face. I recognized the individual instantly as Arthur Pendelton. I have known him since he was a boy, by reason of his twitching left eye and his peculiar gait, which resembles that of an agitated duck.

"I did not raise an alarm at the moment because I was wearing my night-cap and possessed no suitable outer garments at hand, and furthermore, my husband is a heavy sleeper whom it is dangerous to rouse suddenly on account of his blacksmith’s temper."

Cross-examined by the Defendant:
"I was not wearing my spectacles, but I do not require them to recognize a man who has owed my husband fourpence for shoeing his wheelbarrow since last Martinmas. It was definitely you. Nobody else in Mudford walks with such an offensive wobble."

IV. STATEMENT OF THE DEFENDANT

The Defendant, Arthur Pendelton, having been properly cautioned that he was not obliged to say anything, but that whatever he did say would be taken down in writing and might be given in evidence against him, chose to make a statement:

"I am entirely innocent of this disgraceful charge, which has been trumped up by Mr. Pinch out of personal malice and horticultural envy. It is well known in the parish that my father won the Silver Medal for Parsnips in 1874, whereas Mr. Pinch has never produced anything larger than a mediocre radishing.

"On the night in question, I was walking along Weaver’s Lane for the benefit of my asthma, which is always aggravated by the night mists. As I passed the common pump, I observed a large, dark object lying in the nettles. Thinking it might be a abandoned pigling or a bolster dropped from a hay-wain, I poked it with my stick. I discovered it to be a marrow of considerable size, though clearly neglected and suffering from mildew.

"Knowing that Mr. Pinch’s garden was nearby, and being aware of his passion for bloated vegetables, I intended to carry it to his front porch the next morning. However, as the night was cold and my larder was entirely bare owing to the slump in the handloom trade, I was seized with an uncontrollable weakness of the spirit. I reasoned that if the Lord had placed such a bounty in a public ditch, it was meant for the nourishment of the deserving poor.

"I took the object home, pared away the bruised portions, and placed them in the pot with two onions and a pinch of salt. The knife mentioned by Constable Gudgeon was used solely for peeling potatoes three days prior. As for the clay on my boots, I had been searching for worms by the riverbank at dusk.

"I submit to his Worship that a marrow found in a ditch is not the property of any man, but is res nullius, belonging to the Crown or to the finder, according to the ancient customs of the Realm."

V. PROCEEDINGS AND BENCH TRANSCRIPT

MAGISTRATE SIR REGINALD FOTHERINGAY: "Now then, Pendelton. This is a very serious matter. A very serious matter indeed. A marrow of twenty-seven pounds is not a mere vegetable; it is an institution. It represents months of patient English labor, high-grade manure, and the finest tradition of our country's agricultural supremacy. To cut such a specimen down in its prime, before the judges of the Horticultural Society could even apply their calipers, is an act of unmitigated barbarism."

THE DEFENDANT: "It was found in a ditch, Your Worship!"

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Silence, man! Do you take the Bench for fools? Marrows of twenty-seven pounds do not casually leap over eight-foot brick walls and nestle in ditches of their own accord. They do not possess legs, Pendelton, though from the evidence of Mrs. Gable, you certainly do—and very suspicious legs they appear to be. Constable Gudgeon!"

CONSTABLE GUDGEON: "Sir!"

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Produce Exhibit A."

(The Constable produces a wooden tray containing the mutilated, yellowing lower half of the marrow, alongside a glass jar containing a turbid, pale-green liquid.)

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: (Inspecting the marrow through his eyeglass with evident disgust) "A tragic sight. A noble vegetable reduced to a mere stump. Mr. Pinch, step forward. Can you positively identify this fragment as part of your 'Imperial Green Trailing'?"

MR. PINCH: "I can, Sir Reginald! Observe the peculiar pale streak running laterally down the left flank, caused by a slight frost frame rubbing against it on the fourteenth of August. I would know that streak anywhere in Christendom."

MR. SEPTIMUS CRUMP, J.P.: "Tell me, Mr. Pinch, was the specimen grown with artificial fertilizers or honest farmyard muck?"

MR. PINCH: "Pure horse-manure, Mr. Crump, supplied by the Vicar’s coachman, supplemented by weekly applications of liquid guano."

MR. SEPTIMUS CRUMP, J.P.: "Splendid. A thoroughly orthodox cultivation. It makes the crime all the more heinous."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Pendelton, you have attempted to spin a web of deceit. You have dragged the Almighty into a dispute over garden truck, and you have slandered the character of a respected parish pump-ditch. The evidence of Constable Gudgeon’s nose, combined with Mrs. Gable’s description of your peculiar waddling silhouette, leaves no doubt in the mind of this Court.

"You did, on the night of the 29th of September, feloniously break and enter the enclosed garden of Ebenezer Pinch, and did there steal, take, and carry away one vegetable marrow of the value of four shillings, against the peace of Our Sovereign Lady the Queen, her Crown and Dignity.

"Have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?"

THE DEFENDANT: "Only that the soup was uncommonly watery, Your Worship, for want of a bit of bacon."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "That remark shows a hardened heart and a complete absence of contrition. It is the decision of this Bench that you pay a fine of Ten Shillings, together with Court costs of Seven Shillings and Sixpence, and that you pay to Mr. Ebenezer Pinch the sum of Four Shillings as restitution for the destroyed marrow. In default of immediate payment, you will be committed to the County Gaol at Taunton for a period of Fourteen Days with Hard Labor."

THE DEFENDANT: "I haven't got seventeen and sixpence, Your Worship! I haven't seen a silver coin since Lammas!"

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Then you will have fourteen days in Taunton to reflect upon the sacred rights of private property and the folly of nocturnal horticulture. Remand the prisoner!"

VI. MEMORANDUM OF COURT CLERK

Order of the Court entered as follows:

• Conviction: Larceny of growing vegetable produce under 24 & 25 Vict. c. 96, s. 36.
• Sentence: Fine of 10s., Costs 7s. 6d., Restitution 4s., or 14 days' imprisonment.
• Disposal of Exhibits: Exhibit A (remains of marrow) to be destroyed by the Parish Constable by burial in the Court House garden. Exhibit B (pot-liquor) to be tipped into the gutter behind the Black Dog Tavern.
• Note: Mr. Ebenezer Pinch applied for a special dispensation to enter the remains of the marrow in the Michaelmas Show under the class of 'Marrow Fragments,' but the Bench ruled that such an entry would be contrary to the rules of the Mudford Horticultural Society.

PETTY SESSIONS OF THE PEACE

Held at the Court House, Mudford, in and for the Petty Sessional Division of Mudford-in-the-Fen, County of Somersetshire, on Tuesday, the 11th day of October, 1892.

Before the Worshipful Major Sir Reginald Fotheringay, Bart., J.P. (Presiding Magistrate), Septimus Crump, Esq., J.P., and the Reverend Aloysius Prowdle, M.A., J.P.

I. INFORMATION AND COMPLAINT

The Information of the Reverend Theophilus Smug, M.A., Curate-in-Charge of the Parish Church of St. Jude-the-Obscure, Mudford, taken upon oath this 10th day of October, in the year of Our Lord One Thousand Eight Hundred and Ninety-Two, before the undersigned, one of Her Majesty’s Justices of the Peace in and for the said County.

The said Informant saith upon his oath as follows:

"I am the officiating minister of the Parish Church of St. Jude, Mudford. On Sunday, the 9th day of October, being the Twenty-Seventh Sunday after Trinity, I was conducting the solemn service of Evensong before a congregation of some forty-five souls, including the Churchwardens, the Girls’ Friendly Society, and the local Battalion of the Boys’ Brigade.

"At precisely forty-two minutes past five o'clock in the afternoon, during the delivery of my sermon—which was centered upon the theological implications of the plague of frogs in ancient Egypt, with particular reference to the virtue of quietude among the youth—my voice was rudely eclipsed by a piercing, shrill, and ungodly sound originating from the public thoroughfare immediately adjacent to the open south window of the nave.

"The sound in question was identified by myself, and subsequently by several senior members of the choir, as an audacious and cheerful whistling. The tune being rendered was not any recognized hymn, psalm, or sacred canticle sanctioned by the Synod of the Church of England, but was instead that notoriously vulgar and worldly music-hall air commonly entitled 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay'.

"The effect upon the congregation was immediate and devastating. Three junior members of the choir were observed to tap their feet in an involuntary and rhythmic manner upon the flagstones; Miss Clarissa Prowdle, aunt to the Magistrate here present, suffered a sudden palpitation of the heart requiring the application of smelling salts; and my own discourse upon the frogs of Egypt was brought to an ignominious and confusing halt.

"Upon looking through the stained glass of the south transept, I observed a youth, known to me as Jabez Higgins, apprentice to Mr. Barnaby Clutterbuck, shoemaker, strolling along Church Lane in a brazen and unhurried fashion. The said Jabez Higgins was carrying a dead hare by its hind legs in his right hand, whilst his mouth was puckered in the shape of an instrument of percussion, emitting the aforesaid profane melody at a volume capable of penetrating three inches of medieval oak and leaded glass.

"Wherefore the said Reverend Theophilus Smug prayeth that the law may be vindicated under the Sunday Observance Act of 1677, combined with Section 42 of the Mudford Improvement and Town Governance By-Laws of 1881, which strictly prohibits all unseemly noises, bawling, piping, or secular whistling within one hundred yards of any place of divine worship during the hours of canonical service."

Signed, Theophilus Smug, M.A.
Taken and sworn before me at Mudford,
Aloysius Prowdle, J.P.

II. DEPOSITION OF CONSTABLE SILAS GUDGEON (No. 42B)

The Deposition of Silas Gudgeon, Police Constable of the Mudford Parish Constabulary, taken upon oath the 11th day of October, 1892, who saith:

"On Sunday, the 9th day of October, I was on duty in plain clothes, patrolling the vicinity of Church Lane for the purpose of suppressing Sabbath-breaking, bird-nesting, and the unauthorized playing of pitch-and-toss by idle youths behind the lychgate.

"At forty-two minutes past five o'clock, I was standing behind the memorial yew tree in the churchyard when I heard a loud and melodious whistling approaching from the direction of the Turnpike. I recognized the air at once as 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay', a song I had previously heard performed by a travelling troupe of minstrel entertainers at the Taunton Midsummer Fair.

"I observed the defendant, Jabez Higgins, advancing down the lane. He was walking with a swinging, careless stride, wearing his weekday corduroy trousers, a red neckerchief, and no hat. In his left hand he carried a wooden turnip-corer, and in his right hand a hare of considerable weight. His lips were pursed in an extremely tight and efficient manner, producing a note of exceptional clarity and pitch, which reverberated against the brick walls of the Vicarage.

"I immediately stepped out from behind the yew tree and confronted the defendant. I said to him, 'Higgins, are you aware that divine service is currently in progress within fifty yards of your mouth?' The defendant ceased whistling, looked at me, and replied, 'I weren't whistling at the parson, Constable; I were whistling at the hare.'

"I said to him, 'The law does not distinguish between human and leporine audiences on the Lord's Day. You are creating a disturbance contrary to the Peace of Our Sovereign Lady the Queen and the comfort of the congregation.' The defendant then stated, 'It’s a free country, and a man’s mouth is his own personal property.'

"I replied, 'Your mouth is subject to the Mudford Improvement By-Laws between the hours of ten in the morning and eight at night on Sundays.' I took down his name and address in my official pocketbook. While I was doing so, the defendant raised his lips once more and emitted a short, defiant fragment of 'Pop Goes the Weasel', before turning on his heel and departing at a rapid pace down Weaver’s Lane.

"I subsequently examined the hare in question, which the defendant claimed to have received as honest payment for mending a farmer’s gaiter, but as to that matter I am presently conducting separate inquiries."

Cross-examined by the Defendant:
"You were not merely breathing loudly through your teeth on account of your asthma. I know the sound of an asthmatic wheeze, having suffered from the bronchial affection myself every winter, and it does not contain the syncopated variations of a music-hall chorus."

III. DEPOSITION OF MISS TABITHA PRYME

The Deposition of Miss Tabitha Pryme, Spinster, residing at Church Cottage, High Street, Mudford, who upon her oath saith:

"I am a lady of independent means and a life-long member of the Congregation of St. Jude’s. On the afternoon of Sunday, the 9th of October, I was sitting in my customary pew, which is situated directly beneath the window dedicated to the memory of the late Archdeacon Prowdle.

"The Reverend Mr. Smug had reached the third head of his discourse—namely, the spiritual moral to be drawn from the stubbornness of the Pharaoh—when my ear was assailed by a sound so violently secular that I nearly dropped my silver-mounted hymnal.

"It was not merely that the defendant was whistling; it was the intense, shameless, and rhythmic levity of the tune. 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay' is a composition well known to be associated with theatrical dancers, tight tights, and the drinking of French champagne in public gardens. To introduce such an association into the parish of Mudford on a Sunday afternoon, while the curate was expounding upon the frogs of Egypt, is an act of spiritual sabotage.

"I looked at the young women of the Sunday School class sitting in the aisle. Several of them were smiling. One small boy, the son of the village baker, was clearly executing a jig with his heels under the bench. The solemnity of the service was totally destroyed. The curate himself became so confused that he referred to the plagues of Egypt as having consisted of 'wild music-hall performers', before correcting himself with great difficulty.

"I consider the defendant to be a menace to the moral fiber of Mudford. Only last month I observed him leaning against the lamp-post near the forge, humming 'The Girl I Left Behind Me' while the Girls' Friendly Society was marching toward the Temperance Hall."

Cross-examined by the Defendant:
"I do not know the tune because I go to music-halls myself! I heard it played upon a barrel-organ outside the draper's shop in Taunton, and I recognized it instantly as a tool of the Adversary."

IV. STATEMENT OF THE DEFENDANT

The Defendant, Jabez Higgins, aged nineteen, cobbler’s apprentice, having been cautioned in the customary form, made the following statement in his defense:

"I am an honest working lad, employed six days a week by Mr. Clutterbuck from six in the morning until eight at night, hammering brass tacks into heavy boots. Sunday is the only day upon which I am permitted to enjoy the open air and the light of the sun.

"On the afternoon in question, I had been over to Upper Dudgeon to return a pair of patched boots to Farmer Giles. In gratitude for my working on his heels, he gave me a dead hare and two apples. I was walking home along Church Lane, feeling light of heart and enjoying the cool breeze from the fen.

"I admit I were making a bit of a whistle. I didn't mean no disrespect to the Reverend Mr. Smug or his frogs. I don't know the names of the tunes I whistle; I just whistle whatever comes into my head when my lungs feel full of clean air instead of leather-dust and cobbler’s wax. It might have been 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay', or it might have been 'The Old Hundredth' played a bit quick-like. I have no ear for music, as my master well knows, having beaten me twice for singing out of key at the bench.

"As for Constable Gudgeon, he leaped out from behind that yew tree so sudden he made me jump three feet into the air. If I whistled 'Pop Goes the Weasel' afterwards, it was merely because my breath was coming out in jerks on account of the fright he gave me.

"I submit that there is no law in England that forbids an apprentice boy from pursing his lips on a public highway, so long as he isn't biting anybody or stealing their marrow."

V. PROCEEDINGS AND BENCH TRANSCRIPT

MAGISTRATE SIR REGINALD FOTHERINGAY: "Jabez Higgins, stand up. Look at me, young man. Do you see this bench? Do you see these holy gentlemen sitting alongside me?"

THE DEFENDANT: "Yes, Sir Reginald."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "You see before you the guardians of civil order and religious propriety in this parish. Now, you tell us in your statement that you do not know the difference between 'The Old Hundredth' and 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay'. Is that indeed your contention?"

THE DEFENDANT: "They sound much the same to me, Your Worship, if you blow 'em through your front teeth fast enough."

REVEREND ALOYSIUS PROWDLE, J.P.: (Leaning forward with great indignation) "Monstrous! A profound theological and musical illiteracy! 'The Old Hundredth' is a majestic, solemn expression of Anglican praise, composed in the sixteen-century style. 'Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay' is a brazen, unholy effusions designed to encourage frantic leaping and the consumption of intoxicating liquors! To confuse the two is to demonstrate a moral numbness of the most alarming character!"

MR. SEPTIMUS CRUMP, J.P.: "Tell me, Higgins, where did you say you obtained that hare?"

THE DEFENDANT: "From Farmer Giles, sir, of Upper Dudgeon."

MR. SEPTIMUS CRUMP, J.P.: "Farmer Giles has no sporting rights over the warren at Upper Dudgeon; those belong to my brother-in-law. Constable Gudgeon, make a note of that hare. We may require another summons for the next Session."

CONSTABLE GUDGEON: "Very good, Mr. Crump."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "We are not here today to try the hare, Mr. Crump, though I share your natural indignation regarding game preservation. We are here to address an act of deliberate, audacious Sabbath-breaking. Higgins, the streets of Mudford are not a music-hall. The air of this parish on a Sunday afternoon belongs to the Almighty, to the Rector, and to those respectable citizens who wish to hear the holy word without being subjected to theatrical refrain."

THE DEFENDANT: "I didn't know the window was open, Your Worship!"

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Ignorance of an open window is no excuse in the eyes of the Law. If an apprentice boy is permitted to walk past our parish church on a Sunday whistling music-hall airs with impunity, where will it end? We shall have the blacksmith playing the accordion during the Litany! We shall have the butcher’s boy executing the polka in the middle of the Second Lesson! It is the high-road to French anarchy, Higgins!"

REVEREND ALOYSIUS PROWDLE, J.P.: "The parish records show that in 1742 a man was placed in the stocks at Mudford for playing the Jew’s harp on Low Sunday. The Bench would do well to remember that precedent."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Regrettably, Brother Prowdle, the stocks were removed by order of the County Surveyor in '68 to make room for the new pump. However, the By-Laws of 1881 give us ample power to deal with such juvenile depravity. Higgins, you have shown no remorse. You have dragged the innocent congregation of St. Jude’s into a state of rhythmic confusion, and you have caused Miss Clarissa Prowdle to consume three drams of sal volatile."

THE DEFENDANT: "I am very sorry for Miss Prowdle’s heart, sir, but I only have fourpence in the world."

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "Then your master or your parents must find the rest, or you will suffer the consequences. The judgment of this Court is that you pay a fine of Five Shillings for the offense of Unlawful Whistling upon the Lord’s Day, together with Six Shillings Court costs. Furthermore, you are bound over in the sum of Five Pounds to keep the peace and to remain entirely mute, musically speaking, upon all public thoroughfares within the parish boundaries on any Sunday for the space of twelve calendar months."

THE DEFENDANT: "Does that mean I can't even blow my nose, Your Worship?"

MAGISTRATE FOTHERINGAY: "If you blow it with a melodic intention, Higgins, Constable Gudgeon will not hesitate to perform his duty. Remand the defendant until the fine is paid!"

VI. MEMORANDUM OF COURT CLERK

Order of the Court entered as follows:

• Conviction: Breach of Mudford Improvement and Town Governance By-Laws (1881), Section 42 (Disturbance of Divine Worship by Unseemly Sounds).
• Sentence: Fine of 5s., Costs 6s. Defendant bound over in the sum of £5 for 12 months.
• Special Instruction: A formal notice to be posted on the church door by the Parish Beadle, warning all apprentices, stable-boys, and idle persons that whistling, humming, or the unauthorized use of the mouth organ within one hundred yards of the church during canonical hours will be met with the utmost severity of the Law.
• Note on Exhibit: The hare seized by Constable Gudgeon from the defendant to be detained at the Police Station pending inquiries as to its origin, with instructions to Constable Gudgeon's wife that it be kept in a cold larder to prevent spoilage prior to the next Sitting of the Bench.